


I've Been Saving Love Songs and Lullabies

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Drama, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-28
Updated: 2015-10-28
Packaged: 2018-04-28 14:12:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5093672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I had a nightmare once I was being chased through Central Park by a gang of toddlers with runny noses.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	I've Been Saving Love Songs and Lullabies

**Author's Note:**

> These three are slowly reaching like OT3 status for me, though I've never had one of those before. Liv and Rafael always tend to be endgame and I do love that. I think I may have written an end to Surrendering Noah before but here’s another because I write what they tell me.

“Liv, I think he might be down for the count.” 

“Hmm?” she looked up from what she was doing. 

As soon as Liv saw him, she laughed. Noah was lying on the floor, butt in the air, sound asleep. He was still clutching the Buzz Lightyear that Fin bought him that made more noise than his mother knew what to do with. Rafael was standing over him.

“Did you do that all by yourself? What's your secret, Counselor?”

“I didn’t do a thing. I think he played himself to sleep. Being the absolute center of attention must be draining. Should we…do you want to put him in the nursery?”

“I will in a little while. He's asleep already so I think it’ll be OK. You want to come and dry these plates for me?”

“Tell me why you don’t have a dishwasher.” Rafael walked around Noah and into the kitchen.

“I have one but I never use it. It broke when Brian and I were here for maybe three months. After we broke up I figured that I was one woman and didn’t need one. Now I'm one woman and a baby…I still don’t.”

“I hated doing the dishes growing up.” The ADA took the dish towel from her. He took one of the plates from the counter. “I would try to best my brother in something so we could switch chores but he always wanted to arm wrestle or punch it out.”

“Punch it out?” Liv raised an eyebrow. 

“Don’t ask.” Rafael shook his head. “Let's just say I got used to it but promised myself when I was older I was going to be rich and never have to wash my own dishes.”

“How’s that working out for you?”

“I have a deluxe dishwasher so…close enough. You're still smiling from ear to ear.”

“I can't help it.” Liv began washing the wine glasses. “That’s my son in there.”

“What a difference a year makes, huh?”

“When the judge asked me if I would foster him for the year and consider adoption, I almost said no. I had guardianship of a young boy a few years ago, Calvin. Losing him was incredibly hard; I never wanted to go through that kind of pain again. I knew my job was too busy, my life too frenetic. As much as I always wanted to be a mother there comes a time when you face the reality that it won't ever happen. And I had to make a split second call. What if I made the wrong one?”

“I won't even ask if you think you did.” Rafael said. “What made you say yes?”

“I felt like it was fate. I couldn’t save Ellie but I could love Noah. I couldn’t have my own children but I could raise him. No one else was stepping up and the foster homes, as you know, left plenty to be desired. Judge Linden saw something in me that day, something that I had tried for years to shut away. She made a call and I accepted it.”

“It was a good call. You are an amazing mother.”

“Really?”

“Please, don’t act as if you don’t know. Noah is the luckiest boy in the world. He is with a person who is filled with love and strength and knowledge. There is no one who could love him more than you do. You risked so much to have a truthful relationship with your son. Not a lot of parents are willing to put it all on the line before they're even parents.”

“It’s not going to be easy on my own.” Liv said. “I try not to think about it too much, my being single doesn’t make me deficient in any way.”

“Damn right it doesn’t.” he took the wet wineglass from her hand. 

“I didn’t have a dad and I always imagined that by now I’d have a wonderful husband, a flourishing career, and a family. Two out of three ain’t bad I guess.”

“I thought your parents split up when you were a kid. I don’t know where I got that from. Did I make that up?”

“I think so, Counselor. I didn’t find out who my father was until I was an adult; he'd already died. He and my mother…” Liv sighed. “I hate to even say it like that. There was no he and my mother.”

“You don’t have to tell me anything that makes you uncomfortable.” Rafael said. “So many of us have childhoods we’re still recovering from.”

“Someday.” She put her hand on his arm. “OK?”

“Yeah.”

Rafael wondered what that was about. It wouldn’t be the first time he wondered about all the pieces that fit together to make one Olivia Benson. Obviously, she hadn’t had the easiest life. She rarely talked about family and what he did get was random bits and pieces that he had cobbled together into some of the story. 

She was married to her work. She had a partner for 12 years who was now gone and Liv never spoke his name. There were times when emotions, feelings, popped out of the surface of her skin like daisies and other times she held them in with both hands. She was an open book mystery, which made even less sense than the rest of it.

“Let's finish these glasses so I can get Noah to bed. He's not the only one all tuckered out from the day.”

A knock on the door stopped Rafael from replying. Olivia put a glass on the counter and wiped her hands before going out to answer it. The clock on the microwave said quarter to nine so he wondered who it was. At this time of night it had to be bad news. She didn’t need the job taking her away now. After all she and Noah had been through, they needed at least a few free days to enjoy this victory.

“C'mon in, the party’s over but I'm glad you made it anyway.”

“Look at him…you wore the poor kid out.”

Rafael froze when he heard the voice. He knew the voice as well as he knew his own. Looking both ways as if he was trying to escape, he just gave up and walked out of the kitchen.

“I didn’t know you had company.” Trevor said smiling. He extended his hand. “ADA Barba, it’s been a while.”

“It certainly has. You look good, Trevor.”

“It’s the genes.”

“Oh right.” Olivia smirked. “Are you hungry, Trevor?”

“No, I had dinner with a former colleague this evening, which was why I couldn’t make it this afternoon. But I would love a drink…scotch if you have any.”

“What do you know?” she looked at Rafael. “I happen to have a nice bottle. Sit down, I’ll be right back.”

Trevor walked into the living room and smiled at Noah, who was still asleep. He moved a couple of toys and sat down in the chair. Rafael was still standing. His eyes were darting between Olivia in the kitchen and Trevor in the living room. There were probably a million things he could’ve said but nothing seemed right.

“The beard suits you.” He lowered his voice when he said it.

“I think it does.” Trevor stroked his chin. “I might keep it, its very _Paper Chase_ I think.”

“That’s one word for it. You’d have to grow your hair out too to get the full 70s, _Paper Chase_ look. It’s a commitment.”

“Have you seen my hair grown out?” Trevor asked, shaking his head. “Never going to happen. Unless 70s Lindsay Wagner asked me to. Then I might consider.”

“Yes, there's always the 70s Lindsay Wagner loophole.”

“I didn’t know you and Olivia were…” Trevor made eyes.

“We’re not…it’s a long story.”

“There are too many of those in your life, Rafael. Someone needs to get you some Cliff Notes, my friend.”

“Here you go.” Liv walked out and handed him a glass. Then she picked up Noah from the carpet. “Let me just put him down and I’ll be right back.”

“Take your time, Liv.” Trevor smiled. “Rafael and I are old pals so I'm sure we’ll find something to chat about.”

“Oh really?” she looked at the ADA. “Why didn’t you tell me? You knew Trevor was helping with the adoption.”

“So much was going on, I guess I never got around to it. I'm sorry.”

Olivia just smiled and walked out of the room. Sighing, Rafael sat down on the couch and looked at his old friend. They had been more than friends, much more. It was something about him that Olivia had no idea about. Maybe she did, she always talked about how good of a detective she was. 

But she surely didn’t suspect that Rafael had ever been in a relationship with Trevor. Saying that he was hiding it wasn’t the case. The conversation just never came up. When he was with Liv, Rafael wanted to look to the future and not the past. Now some of the past was sitting in her chair with a sexy beard sipping expensive scotch.

“Nice Polo.” Trevor said with a smirk.

“You would know, I believe it was a birthday present from you.”

“Ahh yes, year of the Polos…I remember it well. My taste remains exquisite. I kinda miss your face.”

“I've been very busy.”

“I watch the news, I know. After that courthouse shooting I called you to make sure you were alright. Don’t tell me I was on the long list of people for you to call back.”

“I can be a lousy friend.” Rafael said. 

What was the point of lying? He always thought of himself that way, even if some would say it wasn’t true. Work was his top priority just like school had been. Rafael Barba was chasing something, he wasn’t even sure what anymore, and the people who loved him could be left behind. He never meant for it to happen but at the same time he kind of kept his distance from personal relationships. Hurting someone, or being hurt, was too overwhelming for him most of the time.

“Yep.” Trevor nodded. “I love you anyway.”

“I don’t deserve it…but I appreciate it.”

“Just call me, Rafael. We’ll have dinner, make fun of people’s shoes like in the good old days. Everyone needs a day off sometimes, even you.”

“Working and speaking on Noah’s behalf was a really noble thing to do, Trevor. So was helping Liv.”

“I adore Olivia, don’t tell her I said that though she surely already knows. I think she and Noah are perfect for each other. It was a good call by Judge Linden. Have you ever thought about having a kid?”

“I had a nightmare once I was being chased through Central Park by a gang of toddlers with runny noses.” Rafael replied. “I woke up in a cold sweat.”

“Well that answers my question.” Trevor laughed.

“What's so funny?” Olivia came out of the nursery. She went to the kitchen, pouring a glass of wine for herself and another tumbler of scotch for Rafael. When she brought it out to the living room, she sat down beside him on the loveseat.

“My nightmares,” Rafael replied, thanking her for the drink. “According to Trevor.”

“So how long have you two known each other?” she asked.

“Wow, um, Spring of ‘09 maybe.” Trevor said. “It was a warmer spring than usual and I was just out of an unsuccessful long term relationship. Dining at Elaine’s one evening, I saw those green eyes across a crowded room and it was a bit of love at first sight. You know the kind, where the really cheesy music plays in the background of your mind. I think it might have been _Almost Paradise_. Could’ve been the one about saving love songs and lullabies.”

“Trevor…”

“Do tell.” Liv leaned forward and crossed her legs. When she glanced at Rafael he looked beet red. 

“Don’t tell. None of that is remotely true.” Rafael said. “Trevor and I have known each other for about 8 years…it was definitely before spring of ‘09. He just insists sometimes on being Bette Davis about the whole thing.”

“I like this side of you.” She said. “I want more Bette Davis.”

“I'm not going to take up too much more of your time tonight. I just came by to say congratulations again and to bring some presents for Noah. I'm sure you're already overwhelmed with stuff but I thought he’d really like this.”

“It doesn’t make noise, does it?” Olivia asked. It was a large box in a bag from The Discovery Store.

“It’s absolutely quiet.” Trevor said.

“I love it already.” She smiled.

“I’ll get out of your hair. Are we still on for Thursday?”

“We are. I let Lucy know that you would be here by five to pick him up. Do you have a plan?”

“We’re doing the awesome walking tour of the city. I do photography in my scant spare time so I thought I’d take Noah out and show him how it’s done. You don’t mind if I take pictures of him, do you?”

“No, as long as I get all the cute ones.” Liv replied.

“That shouldn’t be a problem. And eight o’clock is his bedtime?”

“Yes.” Liv stood when Trevor did. He was making his way over to the front door. “You have the pack and play right?”

“Yes ma'am, all set up and ready to go.”

“I should be there to pick him up no later than nine.” She said.

“I really appreciate this, Liv.”

“It’s a good idea, for all of us. Have you given any more thought to what we talked about?”

“I have. I’ll let you know on Thursday, OK?”

“Sounds good.” She hugged him. “Thank you for stopping by; thank you for everything.”

“You're welcome. I'm glad I could do this for both of you. Rafael,” he looked at the ADA. “Maybe we can have a drink soon, do some catching up?”

“I’ll call you.”

“Great. Goodnight, guys.”

“Goodnight, Trevor.”

“I didn’t know that you two knew each other well.” Olivia said as she locked the door and walked back into the living room. She immediately started cleaning up the toys and gift wrapping from the afternoon’s festivities.

“Yeah.” Rafael nodded.

“That’s it, just a yeah?”

“I don’t know what else you want me to say.”

“Friends, enemies, frenemies…I want details.” Olivia said.

“He has a small birthmark, shaped almost exactly like Liechtenstein, on his lower back near his buttocks.” Rafael said.

“Whoa, that’s a hell of a detail Counselor.”

“Someday I’ll tell you the rest.”

“You never have to tell me anything that makes you uncomfortable.” Liv said. “God, do we say that to each other too much?”

“I think we’re past it.”

“I didn’t mean to embarrass you, I just…”

“I'm not just talking about Trevor. It’s never been easy for me to talk to anyone about my personal life. With you it’s…bearable.”

“A ringing endorsement.” She smiled. “Trevor is a good man. He can be an asshole but it doesn’t run through his bloodstream. Just like it doesn’t run through yours. The two of you being close doesn’t surprise me at all, other than my just finding out.”

“OK.” Rafael nodded, sure he didn’t want to continue that conversation. The arrival of Trevor really seemed to kill any chance he had of talking to Liv tonight, talking personally. After the hell she'd been through, her life was finally getting back on track. She was even scheduled to take the Lieutenant’s exam in a couple of weeks, looking to move up the ranks of the NYPD again in less than two years. 

He thought now might be the time to throw his hat in the ring, so to speak. To see if what he thought was happening might be happening or could possibly happen. Now Rafael wasn’t sure what to think. The events of the past 20 minutes or so really threw him for a loop. “I should probably call it a night too.”

“You're going?”

“I know I didn’t help you finish all the dishes but the hour is turning late and I thought…”

“I wanted you to stay, if you could.” Liv said.

“I'm not sure.”

“It was just such a long day. It was a wonderful day and I was so glad I could spend it with Noah and with you and my squad but the weeks leading up to it were hellish. I didn’t want to crack the façade but I worried every night I put Noah in bed that some insane judge would give Johnny D visitation rights. I worried he would fight the adoption from prison and even though I would surely win that didn’t mean that it wouldn’t go on for years. I worried, not much but a little bit, that one of his goons would break into my house, kill me, and snatch Noah. I slept with my gun under my pillow for a while.”

“Why didn’t you tell me what you were going through?” Rafael asked. “No one should have to deal with those thoughts all by themselves.”

“I knew that you weren't ever going to say I told you so.” Olivia replied.

“Except that you thought maybe I would.”

“I didn’t know how you would react actually. I can't say what I did was a mistake…it was the right thing to do. It just led to consequences none of us wanted to deal with.”

“You stood up to him, Liv. You're probably the first woman to ever do that until those girls got on the stand and tore him to shreds. Now he's dead and you never have to worry that someone like that could saunter into Noah’s life years later and cause strife.”

“Yeah.” She nodded. “I just have to deal with the immense guilt I feel because I'm happy to be rid of him.”

“Try to think of it as being happy for Noah. It’s the best thing for him…he deserves better than that scum of the earth for a father.”

“We don’t get to pick our fathers, Rafael. You know that as well as I do.” she smiled but it was sad.

“Yeah, I do.”

“I actually asked Trevor to be his godfather. That’s what we talked about earlier. I mean all the guys, Nick, Fin, Captain Cragen, and of course you, I want you all to be a big part of his life. The godfather thing is actually more legal than sentimental. I already had Noah baptized at the Unitarian Community church. But if anything happens to me I want to be sure that he is loved and taken care of.”

“You want Trevor to do that?” Rafael asked.

“You think it’s a bad idea? You know him pretty well.”

“I think Trevor would be a good dad. I also think he'd do everything in his power to make sure he lived up to his any promise that he made you.”

“OK.” She smiled. “So, do you want to watch a movie or see what’s playing on one of the ESPNs that plays sports we never see on TV?”

“I would really love to but I, kinda wiped out Liv. I'm sorry.”

“I’ll take a rain check. This was tough on all of us. I'm just glad that we took the time out today and celebrated. C'mere, I want to give you a hug.”

Rafael walked into her arms. They didn’t do this very often, touching was easy and difficult for them. Rafael knew why he struggled but he never asked Olivia. They stood in the middle of her slightly messy living room and just held onto each other. Rafael squeezed just a little tighter, feeling relief when Liv responded in kind. 

Hugs were the kinds of things that could go on too long and lead to discomfort or not long enough and lead to wanting. He wasn’t timing it but it still felt just right. It felt even better when Olivia kissed him. It was a chaste kiss on the lips but she liked it so did it twice. 

The third time, Rafael took a chance. He coaxed her lips open with his tongue. There was a soft moan as the kiss became something more passionate. Rafael stopped first, moving out of her arms. He cleared his throat and put a bit of distance between them.

“I know you're going to stay home with Noah for a few days. Maybe I can bring you guys some lunch tomorrow afternoon. What time does he take his naps?”

“Noah is in daycare until three tomorrow…I didn’t want to keep him out too many days. He's getting really good with his schedule so is best for us to stay on it. Tomorrow is all about me relaxing. I might even get a pedicure.”

“So I can bring you lunch, if that won't interrupt your relaxing.” Rafael said.

“It won't.” Liv shook her head.

“I’ll bring those burgers that you like so much, from that greasy spoon. Make sure you're wearing a shirt you don’t mind getting ketchup stains on.”

“I would tell you to wear an expendable tie, Counselor, but I'm not sure that you own any.”

“I’ll take it off.” He said.

Olivia smiled and held out her hand. He was running away tonight, he had before though she wasn’t sure if Rafael even knew that’s what he was doing at the time. She wasn’t going to let him run away tomorrow. They would have some alone time and though Liv wasn’t entirely sure how they would proceed, it was important that they did. 

The connection wasn’t just in her imagination. It had grown over the years into something meaningful in her life. There were times where they almost talked about it, stopping just short of the big words. Olivia didn’t want to stop anymore.

“Can you text me when you get home?” she asked as Rafael opened the door.

“Wow, you really are someone’s mom now.” He grinned.

“Rafael…”

“I will text you as soon as I get home. Cross my heart.”

“Goodnight.” She kissed his cheek.

“Goodnight, Liv.”

Rafael walked down the hall, the stairs, and into the small lobby. He would be back tomorrow afternoon but would restrict his stay to just an hour for lunch. He touched his lips as he walked out onto the busy Manhattan street. She kissed him. It was a sweet kiss, the perfect way to end a pretty magical day. 

Rafael wanted to stay but he needed to be alone to figure out what came next. He wanted more than a fling or an affair. He wanted something that he deep down always craved but never believed he could achieve. Olivia Benson was the one…for as clichéd as that sounded. He'd known for some time but it was never the right time to say. 

How do you even begin to tell someone that they’ve come to mean everything to you? That they're on your mind when you fall asleep at night and again when you wake in the morning? That it wouldn’t shock you if you even dreamed about them? The Assistant District Attorney always had a way with words. 

He always had a way with the ladies, and men, as well. None of that seemed to work in his favor where the Olivia thing was concerned. Rafael would have to dig deeper and he'd have to do it soon. It was almost clear that neither of them wanted to wait too much longer.

***


End file.
